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A further discussion of dragon semen and women drivers

April 27, 2009

This blog has taken a surprising direction. I’ve found that not only am I not as funny as I hoped I was, and intended to be, but I’m enjoying more and more serious blog posts on news, politics, religion, etc. The side effect of this is that the more posts I write that focus on current events, the more diligent I have to be in my research. Which irritates me, because I’m supremely lazy.

But this is an idea that will be expanded on in a later blog post.

I’d like to talk about two things today – dragon semen and awful women drivers.

I wrote a piece on a conversation I had the other day with The Wife regarding dragon semen tasting like charcoal, a point she took great issue with. I, however, happen to not respect her opinion on the matter because she (a) has never tasted dragon semen, and until I find someone who has and can tell me without a doubt that it does NOT taste like charcoal, I’m simply going to assume I’m right. And (b) her favourite animal, in real life, is a unicorn. Which, clearly, is not real.

So I was looking at my blog stats for the other day (the dragon semen piece), and I had three visitors. One was myself before I logged in. So it doesn’t really count (but I still pretend it does), but then I had two others, unaccounted for. Now my blog is quite new, so I don’t expect an influx of visitors. I had quite a few visitors on one day where I wrote about my views on gay marriage, but generally it’s been fairly quite.

But I checked where my surprise visitors had come from, and get this, it was a search engine. What did they search for, you may ask? Dragon semen. Seriously.

Who the fuck Google’s “dragon semen”? I know I’m fucking up the search rankings for “dragon semen” by using it seven times in this post so far, but come on. Are people trying to figure out how to create human/dragon hybrids? A scaly child with wings that blows fire? Gross.

For fun I did actually Google “dragon semen” (that’s eight now) and I came across a fan-fiction piece. I didn’t click on it (I was far too scared) but the excerpt that Google gave me was something to do with a woman, uhhh, receiving dragon semen (nine). Needless to say I clicked away very, very quickly.

So, onto women drivers.

Now, ok, I know that many women are, in fact, excellent drivers. I know too that many men are awful, awful drivers. So I’m perpetuating a gender stereotype. But it’s my blog, and I’m allowed to do that. Also, women did the only two instances I have ever seen of a driver somehow getting their car stuck on a wall. And that’s exactly what I want to talk about.

My office spans two lots of land. One lot has the small office building on it, and the other is an empty lot where we park, and where (one day) the new office building will go. There’s a low wall on the roadside of the property, which is, roughly, 2 feet high. So the wall is not very tall at all.

The other day we in the office hear a loud bump. We look out of the glass door and we see a car, the front end perched atop the wall, with a woman in the drivers seat, gunning the engine like she was in a NASCAR race. Unfortunately for her, the car was going nowhere.

I thought about going out to help her, I really did. But then I realized that her stupidity was the reason for her getting on the wall in the first place and, frankly, stupidity isn’t punished enough.

Luckily a truck of workmen happened to be driving by and stopped to help a damsel in distress. One of my colleagues turned to me and said “Man, if that was a dude, no way them fellas was gonna stop to help. He’d be on his own!”

After a multitude of efforts to push the car off the wall using all the manly strength they could muster, they gave up that idea, moved a rung up the evolutionary ladder and used tools. Specifically a sledgehammer. Against our wall.

Not that we minded, the wall is falling down from previous battles between concrete and vehicle, but still, you would have thought they would ask for permission first.

So, eventually the car came off the wall. With a grateful look, the damsel in distress hopped into the car and, pedal to the metal, very quickly reversed into the road (her lead foot appears to be the reason she got on the wall in the first place).

Hopping out of the car to thank the guys, with the car on and keys in the ignition, she let the door swing shut.

It locked.

Obviously, this wasn’t the damsel’s lucky day.

Luckily for her, the men were still around to help. Unluckily for the car, they were hardly trained in lock picking.

Pliers were used, to try and pick the lock I guess. Didn’t work.

Various pieces of metal were used to try and wedge between the roof and door, the car body and door, and the window and door. Didn’t work.

They even used one of those big, industrial angle tools to try and wedge down the car door.

We knew they weren’t going to get it open that way. Best case scenario they scratched the door and glass, and quite possibly destroyed the motor inside the door itself.

But, hey, it’s not their car, so why worry, right?

Eventually one of the men, who had been quietly working on the back door, managed to force the window down enough for him to unlock the doors, enabling the woman to give hugs to all but one of the men (he was fat and the others thin. Take that how you want) and drive away.

I have to admit, I was secretly hoping her wheel would fall off as she drove away, or a piece of chassis would fall to the roadside, but nothing seemed to happen.

Some people have all the fun. 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Sebastian permalink
    May 27, 2009 9:04 pm

    I totally skipped through the bit about women drivers, but MAN, the bit on dragon semen was awesome. Highly informative.

    It probably wouldn’t taste like charcoal though, unless they also ate the burnt villagers. But I doubt a dragon would do that… much more likely that they’d eat the still-alive, very-much-still-wriggling humans, swallow, and then burp a hot spout of flame over their house.

    In my mind, anyway.

    • sleepwalkingwriter permalink*
      June 14, 2009 6:39 pm

      You might be right. Clearly you paid more attention than me in the upper level Anatomy of Mythical Animals class!

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