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A Horror Story

June 9, 2009

I woke up one morning and realized I had lost a testicle.

This was new. I didn’t have cancer. I was a perfectly healthy 19-year-old boy-man-child, albeit a hung over one. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I had done something so foolish the night before that I had lost a testicle. Maybe I cut it out and offered it to a girl as a gesture of love. A fucked up way of saying “I want you to have my babies”. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a black market trade for testicles, just like kidneys. You know how people go to Turkey and wake up in a bathtub of ice with no kidneys and a note saying “sorry”? Maybe that was me, but with my ball.

Here’s how it went down.

I woke up. I reached down and scratched/made sure my… bits were still there, as most guys do first thing. It’s the most important thing in the world to many men, so we have to check on it, in case it fell off during the night. Turns out, mine just may have.

I reached down. My main actor was still on stage, no problem. One supporting actor, good. The other one… wait a minute. Where was it? I poked around… nothing. I double-checked – main actor, check. First supporting actor, check. But no number two.

I sat up, shocked.

“What the fuck?” I murmured aloud.

I jumped out of bed and ran out of my dorm room towards the communal bathrooms, still in just my boxers. I didn’t care if anyone saw, if I truly had lost a testicle I was disfigured anyway. May as well get used to a life of furtive stares and muffled giggles whenever I was around. Thankfully this was before I started sleeping naked – my nudity wouldn’t have stopped me running out, had I indeed lost my testicle.

Thankfully nobody was in the halls. It was, after all, 10am on a Wednesday. Everybody else was in class, precisely where I should have been.

I ran into the bathroom. I needed the industrial glow of halogen lights to find my lost soldier. Flipping them on, my bleary eyes squinted at the sudden onslaught of white light. The only thing more painful would have been daylight.

I reached inside my boxers and fumbled around, again. Main actor, ok. First supporting actor, ok. Holding my breath I moved my hand over slightly. Second supporting actor… was there. Hanging out, so to speak, with nary a care. I was whole again, I had been re-masculated (I know that’s not a real word, but shoot me. Crunk isn’t a real word either, yet it’ll be in the dictionary before too long).

I’m not sure how it happened. Maybe I wasn’t thinking properly when I woke up and somehow missed my second testicle, twice. Maybe it burrowed inside me for warmth and popped out while I frantically ran to the bathroom. I don’t know. But let this be a warning to all men out there. You could be next.

One Comment leave one →
  1. June 18, 2009 11:25 pm

    Hahah this is too funny. I shall warn the men in my life.

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